My Lovestory With Life Read online

My Lovestory With Life

  By Nishant Rawlley

  Copyright 2012 Nishant Rawlley

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  *****

  Table of Contents

  1. The Angels of God

  2.Those Nights In My City

  3. The Unsaid Tale

  4. Another Night on the Terrace

  5. A Story of Pain

  6. Cocoon

  7. Helplessness

  8. A Tale of a City and a Heart

  9. A Toast

  10. The Present

  11. The Black Flower

  12. The Dream

  13. Love? Reallly??

  14. The Story So Far

  15. Meetings

  16. I Still Love You

  17. The Friendship That Was

  18. The Journey Towards Truth

  19. Wailing

  20. Abandoned Sadness

  21. The First Blow

  22. A Closed Chapter

  23. Waves

  24. Behind The Closed Doors

  25. No Man’s Land

  The Angels of God

  Ah I saw them today,

  Out of a dark mournful night,

  The night that was,

  A night of grudges,

  A night of fears,

  A night echoing "Enough of this life",

  And here I stood,

  Facing some thirty of you,

  Been asked to mind you,

  So I give you a glance,

  And the miracle sets off,

  The very first look, sends in me a breeze of life,

  Vivacious faces spilling with enthusiasm,

  Brimming with joie-de-vivre,

  Laughing and kidding, you little ones....

   

  All of you equally cheerful,

  Your smiles coming from the heart, and touching the heart,

  Heights no more than my knee length,

  Such that I bend down on my knees to catch your

  twitters!

  You share with me,

  Your dolls, your favorite assets,

  And for some of you your new dresses,

  You keep telling me your birthdays,

  The most special things about your life,

  And I can't help but pull your cheeks,

  I can't help but smile,

  Oh!! You made me smile,

  For as long as I was with you,

  The miracle is in full motion, I’m back in my childhood,

  Really....,

  Kidding, laughing, sticking out tongues,

  Talking about every silly thing in the world,

  And we go on and on and on...

  And then I ask you to count aloud up to fifty,

  And you begin your recitation,

  Your recitation has music of purity,

  Needless to say, I join you...

   

  How much I wish, I could be you again,

   

  And then its about time, I leave,

  So I just casually ask your age,

  Some of you proudly announce your ages,

  Threes, fours and some fives,

  Hmmm so fourteen years of age difference,

  I think, and then I think something else,

  Fourteen years down the timeline,

  When you will be my age,

  Would this mean life trap you into its rattraps as well?

  Will you also get polluted with hatred, jealousies?

  Will you also get corrupted in the filthy politics of life?

  The thought makes me shudder with fear,

  Please god! Not them,

  And I catch my last glance of yours,

  Your faces still sweet and innocent,

  Unaware of what life holds for you

  It turns me emotional...

   

  I wonder, how on earth could there be people,

  So simple, so tranquil at hearts,

  Enjoying life the way He meant it to be,

  Sans hatred, Sans animosities,

  Happiness, the way of life,

  Far richer than men ten times their age...

   

  You little ones, are the angels of god,

  May your innocence be preserved till eternity,

  Take care little ducklings..

  *****

  Those Nights in My City

  The utter silence

  Amidst the amber streetlights

  Glowing above the petite by lanes

  Walking through the dark into the light

  And back into the dark again

  The silence tranquilizing,

  The sounds of the night, musical

  If only it could stop here

  I wish not to move on

  To one side of the road,

  The hustle of a temple

  To another, the silence of the dusk

  Silence, meditative

  Bringing you to yourself..

  Walking by the terrace

  Beneath the vast moonlit night

  From the amber glow to the milky one

  Walking at my own pace

  Without the rush of life

  Slow

  Soaking in, the moment

  Living it

  Feeling the breeze brush past

  Gazing at the moon

  And the stars

  Thoughts, a flood of memories..

  18 yrs of existence

  Rolled into one

  No, I don't wanna be interrupted

  The moment, too serene to go waste

  The sounds of her laughter echoing in the silence

  Her thoughts bringing a shy smile

  A faith that 'm home..

  On another night

  Driving down the same by lanes

  In the old rickety school bus

  Night shift fest practice

  Another name to fun with best buddies..

  Silly Punjabi songs up the 'deck'

  But they're good

  Reach the heart

  The same amber glow

  The same me

  Looking out the window

  Deep immersed in my own thoughts

  The longer the drive..

  Greater the trance..

  For this is my sweet lil small town

  *****

  The Unsaid Tale

  Sitting alone tonight in my four walls

  Like the moon, too distant really from the stars

  The room dimly lit

  I do wish to say something

  But, words escape me

  Questions instead

  I know not what exactly is

  That I feel

  Cursing god, Questioning God

  The mind too smogged

  For me to even know the truth

  The pain, too deep sunken

  For redemption

  Questions, too futile

  Guilt, for the mistakes

  That never happened

  Tears, for the past long bygone

  Not a soul to understand what I feel

  Neither do I

  Laughing a bit too hard

  Crying harder

  Questioning every moment going by

  Waiting for the tides to settle,

  Will they ever? Will they?

  Trying to lose myself

  Trying to get a hold

  Trying to find meanings

  Every solitary night is a battle

  Sleep, the
victor

  Yeah I cry

  I still do

  Feeling her somewhere around me

  Calling out my name

  I see that smile

  Definitely hear her laughter

  Like she’s right there somewhere

  And then the sun smiles

  Wickedly though

  Waking me up

  From the cozy lap of black darkness

  To the blinding light of reality

  Bringing back the pains

  In their entirety and more

  She’s gone, long bygone

  Happier

  And me, am still the wanderer

  From a point where I wanted to stand up again

  To the one, deep beneath the surface again

  Life continues with its many fateful turns

  Mercy not the word

  Struggling to fight for survival

  Falling weaker with its every slash of the sword

  Smiling without believing in the happiness

  Crying without a reason for the tears

  Living in the silence

  Not the tranquil one

  But the shrieking one

  Sharp painful shrieking silence

  It’s not too easy..

  *****

  Another Night on the Terrace

  This seems a strange land,

  This seems a strange life,

  Listening to the breeze blow by,

  Listening to the cuckoo sing,

  Gazing at things,

  Thinking to myself,

  Myself,

  That’s all I’m left with

   Trying to find me, within me, 

  The me who smiled in the sunny phase of life,

  Laughed like he had never laughed before,

  They always said, as much you laugh, so shall you cry,

  He always ridiculed them

  I do not cry,

  Ok maybe sometimes,

  But that’s only because, there's no better way out

  Maybe they were right,

  Maybe I’ve exhausted my share of smiles

  Insensitive now to the world outside, 

  And inside 

  Not a soul to understand me,

  And here I am looking into the moonless skies,

  Trying to find the moon

  There's utter silence out here,

  The sound of fireflies in the background,

  An occasional breeze brushing past

  Thoughts, a flood of memories,

  The past, The good past,

  Reliving it again in my head,

  Trying somehow to bring it back,

  The magic that was life

   What if I had not taken that one step forward?

  Or what if I had, taken that other one???

  There's emptiness,

  A vacuum devoid of feelings,

  Laughing at every little thing,

  And then suddenly turning quiet...

  Emptiness

  A silence

  *****

  A Story of Pain

  I miss you

  Yeah

  I really do...

  I am sorry baby,

  Yeah it’s me, the culprit...

  If only I hadn't hurt you, 

  That one fateful day...

   

  But then baby,

  You had got the better of me,

  I wish you hadn't,

  If only you had obeyed..

  And maybe it wasn’t entirely your fault either..

  Bent by the weights of the world,

  I saw no other way..

  And I ended up hurting you..

  Hell!! I regret it...

  I miss you every minute, every second,

  We've shared every moment of our lives,

  In the past One year, two months and five days..

  Please don’t leave me now baby..

  I won’t be able to live...

  Life, is life no more

  If it’s not with you.. 

  You woke me up every sunny morning with your enchanting voice

  Reminding me to wish all, on their D days, 

  All those beautiful moments we shared,

  Are still moist in my heart.. 

  You were my window to the world,

  Friends, relations, her...

  The only vent for the real me..

  You were all I ever needed

  I realize this now 

  You fitted every need I ever had...Were the answer to

  every question I ever had.. 

  Finally the night would fall,

  And you would put me to sleep

  With your beautiful melodies... 

  Without you baby, I’ve lost my sense of time

  I don’t know if its day or night...morning or evening...

  Please don't do this to me..

  You know that am sorry!!!

  Please O God.. Mercy!! 

  Please forgive me baby...

  My poor lil Nokia 5233, Full Touch...

  I miss you....

  *****

  Cocoon

  Like the tiny insignificant caterpillar

  He crawls

  He crawls and withdraws into his cocoon

  Closing the door behind him

  He turns on the dark

  And lay close those big questioning eyes

  A head clattered with questions

  Trying to sleep

  In his dreams he asketh for answers

  He asketh for solutions

  Why on earth this sudden trench?

  And he does lie deep

  Once again the bottom of the ocean

  Life’s funny no doubt

  Funny is what you call it when you can call it nothing else

  with his eyes still shut closed

  another toss

  And he's reminded of the familiar moon

  That lit up the sky in milk white colors

  It used to calm him down

  Gliding above him in its own flight

  Peaceful quite solitary

  The questions used to float awa

  Thinning into the dark

  But tonight wasn't the night

  After all it was the New moon

  Tonight he lay there, aid-less, unarmed and beaten

  And then the dark took over

  Conquereth his senses

  But the questions never left

  He seeketh answers

  Why on earth, this sudden trench?

  *****

  Helplessness

  Like a shadow that never left, 

  I wish you were here

  I wish I could see you smile

  and be happy

  time seems tough, hard

  nights, I lay awake 

  tossing sides

  I want to complaint

  but can't.

  But it's wrong isn't it? 

  I mean I was supposed to party, 

  enjoy after a good long time, 

  and here I lay 

  bed ridden, in pain, 

  mamma slogging all the way 

  to make me better

  no I didn't want it like this

  she needs rest too

  I can only wish it never happened

  but that won't change anything.

  It'll still be the same

  long days....long nights...

  And you

  we talk we laugh we feel happy and

  I miss you

  I know you do 

  I don't know if sorry is the word

  maybe it is

  I created all this ruckus 

  But it was never on purpose

  I wanted to party 

  celebrate my success

  to tell you that you cleared too

  and it never happened

  and it all ends the same way

  helplessness

  *****

  A Tale of a City and a Heart<
br />
  It happened in the town of Delhi

  For once, a naive little fellow stepped in,

  Striving by the day

  Living the transition

  Transition from walking to running

  Running without a moment to look back

  And soon the city embraced him too..

   

  Or so he felt,

  He had someone to rest back upon

  Until when, the someone stepped back

  Yes he was falling,

  But He had his plans too..

   

  Somebody opened her arms just in time,

  And he was caught...

  Embraced and never allowed to fall,

  The city was his again

  he had a home now

  And somebody waiting back home...

   

  But the good times weren't all their to stay

  For the nth time in his life,

  Times changed, People changed, Life changed..

  People whom he thought would die than give up on him.

  A faith of thirty full moons,

  And then one day,

  It all came down the slide,

  Probably, a bit too fast

  The home was snatched

  The city again an alien enemy,

  But he managed to stand again,

  Slowly, painfully, tears up to the brim

   

  And then he smiled,

  Took life in his face,

  Breathed the air around him

  Alone

  Opened his eyes to life

  Laughing to his own jokes,

  And not regretting it..

  Being solo

  And not regretting it

   

  It was different,

  He was meeting a person he never met before, himself

  Finding within himself what he sought from people,

  Giving wings to his own desires,

  Seeing and believing the life he wanted for himself

   

  And for once, he smiled

  For he owned the city now..

  *****

  A Toast

  A toast for the love of life

  One, to the questions that were never answered

  And never will be

  Another to the mystery called love

  May we feel it one day...

  To the tears wept in dark rooms

  and One To the happy times and the happy memories

  One for the relentless efforts

  Trying to understand life

  To loneliness, and all that it taught us

  To the pain we spend our lives fighting

  Fearing it might never leave at all

  A large, to the messes we got ourselves into

  And to the bigger ones created trying to get out

  To pain and those pain laden eyes we never shall forget

  And to mistakes,

  They were fun indeed

  One To the friends,

  Those who stayed and those who left

  They'll always be a part of us

  And One to those laughs

  And the people we shared them with

  They still bring a smile

  Another one, To those dreams and those moments

  We would trade our lives to live again

  And finally the last but never the least

  To the wacky crazy wonderful thing called life

  And to us who muddle through it

  Despite the pains, the messes, the tears and more

  May this crazy weird thing go on 

  For if life was a movie 

  The least it can be is entertaining

  To US the HEROES of our lives 

  CHEERS!!

  *****

  The Present

  Times keep changing,

  The world keeps turning around,

  Sitting in the room of gloom,

  The door was knocked again,

  It was destiny the other side,

  She was back again,

  But not to take someone away, as she always did,

  Today she had brought with herself, You,

  You, with a dazzling smile and a radiant face,